NIce guys get sued
Well, I tried. I wanted to handle it with grace and sensitivity. Then I get this today from the old coot’s attorney:
Dear Sir:
“Eddie” has retained me as counsel for his planned age discrimination and wrongful discharge legal actions. He maintains he has been damaged, (and desires remedies to make whole) by lack of an official Policy and Procedure manual the absence of which establishes an enforceable employment contract which cannot be severed by a sole party (”defendant”). It is also noted that the primary state of his residence does not recognize legal theory of employment at will.
Further to his complaint for remedy, he states his deteriorating physical condition is the result of being denied access to EAP (Employee Assistance Program) and also as a consequence of defendant’s agents (aka Northwest Airlines) groping him improperly and subjecting him to harsh environments for sustained periods of time, often in ergonomically incorrect positions. Having worked a large percent of his career in federal airspace, he is also subject to FSLA regulations and now desires back pay for overtime hours not paid or recorded.
Now therefore, access is requested to all corporate records pertaining to travel of the business during the period of his employment to include any and all videotapes he has been subjected to of adults engaged in suspect activities. The time frame for delivery satisfaction shall be two weeks hence from date of notification.
Ironically, I had a boss once who was a Danish national and used to call legal actions “suitcases”. ”Eddie”’s counsel, it turns out, is none other than my brother. None of my family knows about my blog, but since they had all hosted me and my supersized luggage at one time or another, I thought yesterday’s entry would amuse them, and I pasted it into an email.
My brother’s not an attorney, but he has spent way too much time, it appears, in large corporate environments where HR is a blood sport. He’s wrong, though, about Washington not allowing “employment at will”, but he’s right about the difficulty an employer has in establishing and perfecting it. I suppose I’ll have to offer a settlement, maybe even an employment “accommodation”. I know! I’ll turn him into a recycling container. Let’s see how long he stays on the job after spending days and nights sitting on the curb with beer cans, wine bottles, Pottery Barn catalogs and the other detritus of our existence jammed in his capacious craw.
Then, once he quits, there’s no outplacement with a cushy non-profit, no unemployment, and wait until he sees the labyrinthine vesting schedule for the pension plan. In fact, I may just demonstrate what is meant by “cliff vesting” myself. He can do COBRA for health insurance for 18 months, but I outsource all COBRA transaction handling to a firm that charges hefty fees to process them.
Bring it on, counsellor!
